Being Fooled - Melody Cryns

I was a fool to believe that I could ever truly be a writer. I mean, c’mon. My writings are mere ramblings of words that need to be reigned in and organized – thousands upon thousands of words. As I look out at the green leaves on the tree – they practically arrived overnight – and I think of spring and new beginnings, clouds behind the trees – I think of all too many new beginnings in my life, starting over with the kids…starting over again just last year when we moved yet again to the apartment we live at now, wondering when the starting overs will end. I was fooled to believe that they would end, that I’d end up happily married or happily ever after with the guy in my dreams, whoever the heck he is, that we’d have get togethers and barbecues in the back yard and maybe a live classic rock band would come and play for us – and my family would all sit around eating barbecued chicken and ribs and the boys would drink Corona beer. One big, happy family….

But when I open my eyes, here we are in this funky apartment and I’m sitting in the kitchen looking out the window at the trees. Megan’s getting ready for school and our dog Sydney is drinking water. I’m contemplating whether I have time to make a shake with fruit in the blender before heading off to work – maybe today I do, and maybe I don’t. The sun is out even after the rain and I’ve turned the heat on just enough to take the edge off – it was a little chilly this morning when I awoke and stumbled out of bed. My binder with all of my writings – my thesis – sits next to me on the table. Megan thought it would be funny to put one of my small signs with a sticky on the back on the binder – so now there’s a picture of a guitar, and it says, “If it’s too loud, you’re too old.”

Heheheh! Never too old for loud rock n’ roll music I say.

So I’m already contemplating the weekend, what will I do? Then I remember it’s Easter weekend – ohhhh how could I forget. I groan. No, I really don’t want to do Easter this year – buy all that candy I can’t eat, and Megan will be at her boyfriend’s house anyway. I never planned anything with the older kids because I completely forgot about it. There was a time I couldn’t forget Easter, even if I wanted to – when I’d have the kids hide a carrot someplace in the house and an Easter basket filled with candy and toys would appear in its place “magically” in the night…there was a time when Easter was filled with coloring hard boiled eggs, easter egg hunts, family gatherings and maybe even church.

But this year, it’s just me on Easter. I could go t the Coyote Stage Stop and see the Mike Osborn Band – they’re always rockin’. What else is there to do on a Sunday? Yes, maybe that’s what I’ll do.

Life never seems to stay the same, no matter what. People come and people go, writing happens or it doesn’t happen, editing is inevitable. Somehow our words keep our lives alive.

I’m a fool to believe otherwise.