I don’t usually take risks, or actually I do but I don’t think of them as risks because I always think that somehow I have the strength, skill, moxie or whatever it takes to succeed despite the odds. This has been proven true enough times to support my omnipotence theory and proven not true enough to throw me writhing to the ground.
When I married my husband I was a single mother of a 7- year- old daughter, Sally. Charley had two children whose mother, his ex-wife, was dying of cancer and we knew they would be coming to live with us and wanted a family structure to greet them, hence marriage. Up until then, one of my life promises to myself was not to ever have four children, like my beleaguered mother. How was I to know I would immediately get pregnant, adding the fourth? Ah, fate.
As I considered this marriage, I went to see a psychic. I know, half of you will roll your eyes. However, when faced with a situation you cannot understand with conventional methods, why not? Hazel, no joke, a gorgeous, tall and slender beauty with a throaty Joan Fontaine voice, listened carefully to me on the phone. I described my wish and intention to care for these children in their grief, to provide a family and support for my daughter whose father had left us, to create a family with this man I loved. She listened carefully and said she completely understood, I remember the line, that I “wanted to spread my large wings and protect these children” but she said it would not turn out like that. There were a lot of forces acting here independently of my wishes and it would not flow together harmoniously, despite my best intentions. Did I believe her? No, not really. I thought that I could do it, she just didn’t know me well enough. Talk about egomania. I took the risk and didn’t turn back. With my skills, degrees in psychology, love and generosity, spiritual practice, good intentions and love and dogged persistence – how could I fail?
Life has a way of humbling us. I think that is why we have children. I have been humbled and also proven victorious. In the end, with all four adults now, they have turned out well, love one another pretty much, and definitely see themselves as a family. I took the risk. I just didn’t realize that I was risking my personal strength, risking my Pollyanna view of the world, risking my sense of omnipotence. Now I know my limits and wouldn’t have it any other way.
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A really interesting mediation here. What I especially loved was the last graph. It's very tricky to write a 'summing up' of ideas and make it work, but you definitely do here. Nice work!
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