Get a Life - Carol Arnold

Who would have thought I’d have this life. When my father told me to go out and get a life, go make something of myself, I thought, well, I’d get a job, like maybe an Executive Secretary or something, get married, have a kid of two, house, you know, all the trimmings. If you had said I’d end up here, I would have said you were nuttier than that guy that used to live down the street, the one who hid behind the hedge every time I walked by, then popped out and said “boo” as if I didn’t’ know he was there.

So, instead of doing all that here I am, floating in a fish tank everyday, no husband, no kids, no house, just a room in the back of a dingy nightclub, a place called Bimbo’s that’s supposed to be classy but really isn’t. Yeah, that’s my life, getting into a mermaid suit at 8:00 every night then swimming around that damn big old tank in the basement with the mirrors that make me look like I’m actually the size of a goldfish, then projecting the whole thing upstairs right where the customers come in so I look like an itty bitty mermaid swimming around a regular size fish tank with castles and bridges and plants and all that.

I’ve seen movies of myself from that fish tank upstairs. I must say I don’t look so bad, kind of pretty actually, my long blond hair streaming out. Okay, it’s bleached blond if you want to be picky about it. My real hair is mousy brown, but Charlie said that wouldn’t look so good on a mermaid so he made me bleach it out.

The men customers sure seem to like me, looking real close up to the glass to see if they can catch a glimpse of my boobs, which unbeknownst to them are actually covered over with a skin colored tank top. Boy, those guys peer in there for the longest time, trying to act like they’re not so their wives won’t catch them doing it. I just flip around, doing my fancy swimming moves to give them a little thrill. I like to see the way their lips sort of come apart when I wiggle my mermaid butt at them. Yeah, it’s not a bad life if you measure it that way – the happiness I give those good old boys. Not bad at all.