Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Disorder - E. D. James
Olivia knew what she was seeing was not right. It was subtle. The crane was standing, it’s feathers and color looked right. But there was a slight trembling in the wings folded along its side. It’s head moved in a small side to side motion that Olivia had never seen before in cranes. The bird did not seem particularly aware of its surroundings, it didn’t have the watchful presence that she was used to seeing. She didn’t see the telltale areas of missing feathers or the reddened areas along the beak that she associated with birds that were older, but she wondered. The motions and the seeming disconnect from the world around it reminded her of her dad in his last months. The emphysema and the diabetes had rendered him palsied and listless. The drinking had left his mind at the bar. She knew the crane did not have long to live, but she didn’t know why.
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These exercises are really paying off for you! Even though you're describing the crane, you're doing it through the lens of Olivia's emotions & desires, and suddenly, it's all so much more interesting. I love that the crane makes her think about her father in his last months - an excellent touch. Really, you had a terrific week this week. All good pieces.
ReplyDeleteEd, you have really gotten inside of Olivia's head and it's a great place to be as a reader. Love the way you threw in the memory of her dad at the end - gave it nice emotional weight. Can't wait to read your whole story when finished.
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