Regrets and Resolutions - Melody Cryns

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking Words of Wisdom…
Let it be…

As the new year begins to make its ascent, or the new decade with a full blue moon in the forecast, I sit here and listen to Paul McCartney croon, “Let It Be,” all these thoughts float through my mind. What if I had stayed married and my kids could have grown up with a father and a mother? Maybe we’d never live in Oregon where my mother was – and our lives would have been completely different.

Let it be…

That’s all I can do – is let it be. Those kids are grown now and I love who they’ve become – wonderful young adults, both boys with fabulous girlfriends and all of them so compassionate and loving. Okay, so they still make fun of the guys that I go out with when he’s not around. Like when I saw Stevie and Melissa the other night and Stevie asked how my “werewolf boyfriend” was doing because he has so much hair. And Melissa said she couldn’t believe what a big deal he made out of his pesto that had to be put on ice immediately upon arrival, transferring the pesto from a small ice chest. But they said David was nice enough in a weird way, but that was okay because I was weird anyway. I was a little shocked that David smoked pot with my daughter’s 18-year-old boyfriend at my apartment while Megan and I were at the grocery store.

Let it be…

No family is perfect, no matter what. I may not be rich in material possessions – I don’t own a home and I don’t have a nest egg and live paycheck to paycheck – we live in a funky apartment here in Mountain View and I can only dream of living in that cute house across the street that’s for rent – with the huge fenced in yard – for only $2,000 a month. I can’t go back to struggling like that again as we did at the Avalon Mountain View, house or not. Yet we’ve made our apartment our own little cozy haven in the world and I am not moving again for a long, long time.

Let it be…

There’s love in my family, so much love. My kids and I still say “I love you” to one another when we talk, whether on the phone or even in a Facebook message online. I am rich because I’m surrounded by LOVE…it’s wonderful when all of my kids are together and I always feel just a small tinge of sadness when they all leave because their essence is so wonderful…I don’t think that any man in my life will ever be able to quite replace that feeling I still get about my kids – like when Jeremy lost his beloved floyd-the-Dog, I could actually feel his sadness and I wanted to take some of his pain and make it my own because I knew it was too much for him to bear – he called me at work one day and cried, “Mom, it hurts so bad that I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do…” Okay so Jeremy is 25 now, but the feeling of being a mom and wanting to be there never goes away, never.

Let it be…

So this was a year of new beginnings, of creative caffeine writing, eating healthy and losing 60 pounds so far, completely curing my diabetes, moving to a new apartment, being a teacher’s aide in a community college class for the first time in my life, going out and having fun and actually going out with guys – still trying to figure out exactly what I want.

The saddest ending was losing our beloved Floyd-the-Dog who has been with Jeremy and all of us through thick and thin, through being without electricity at the duplex in Porterville, to being almost homeless yet always having to make sure there was a place for Floyd-the-Dog, moving back up to the San Francisco Bay Area – he and Jeremy have been all over the place – to Marina for a while, to the hills of Santa Cruz for a while, back down to share an apartment with his sister Melissa who grumbled because she had to find an apartment for them that took a dog but who did it because she loved Jeremy and Floyd-the-Dog. Floyd-the-Dog was a part of all of our gatherings, a family member who was always there wagging his tail, so happy to see us, knowing we’re family and loving us…protecting us by always guarding the front door.

Let it be…

So the new decade arrives with more beginnings and perhaps more endings – I’ve gotten rid of the heavy load that I’ve carried for so many years – 60 pounds of it…finally letting go of the pain, of the struggle, of all the sadness associated with being left alone to raise a baby and three older kids by myself, the load is slowly being lifted, one step at a time.

I can’t think of a better way to bring in the new year and decade than at the Claremont Hotel in the Berkeley Hills. I won two tickets to the new year’s eve bash with the Sun Kings, the best Beatles music ever – watching the blue moon rise into the sky…It’s gotta be a good omen because Beatles music tends to follow me everywhere…

Spreading the joy and love to everyone – happy new year!

And Let It Be…