Preserving Things - Chris Callaghan

The Family museum is open nine to five, seven days a week, excluding holidays, occasional sanity-preserving week-ends at the lake, and annual trips to Mexico and other exotic locals.

Admittance is free unless you are a dysfunctional Family member, in which case the cost is approximately $160,000.00. This amount includes both local and federal taxes and all pending legal fees.

Please keep in mind that a signature of Insurance Waivers is compulsory before admittance. There are free maps to this historic residence at the door, along with a semi-complete list of the priceless contents of each room, including the infamous fifty year old orange Chinese couch that nobody in the family has been able to throw away for decades.

Please follow your guide closely and listen up. She will be giving a fascinating narrative of the glorious history of each and every member of the family and their impact on the local economy. You won’t want to miss a word.

There are identification plaques throughout the house and grounds, listing the common names, followed by the Latin names, of every plant and piece of furniture, and the approximate dates they were added to the collection. If you have any questions, please ask your tour guide. She knows it all.

The next tour will begin in ten minutes. The line forms at the top of those stairs where your guide will lead you down to the very bowels of the residence, the three thousand square foot basement, where many of the un-catalogued items are stored in a climate controlled environment. You might think of it as the Smithsonian archives of Las Vegas.

We’ve tried to maintain the exact placement of certain stacks of boxes and precariously balanced piles of furniture just as they were when the previous owners departed this world. Touch them at your own risk.

From the basement we will be proceeding directly into the rear yard. Please watch your step as the management is not responsible for errant piles of cat shit, or vicious aberrant cactus spines. After a leisurely stroll through the gardens, we will make a short stop at the world famous guest house, where there is a unisex bathroom for your convenience.

You will also have a chance to view the exact location where the amazing orange two man submarine was stored. Unfortunately it is no longer part of the collection. However, there are plenty of color pictures of it for your viewing pleasure.

From there we will proceed to the ground floor of the residence itself. Your guide will be happy to open any of the multitudinous cabinets you may find interesting – where you can view, among other things—the world’s largest collection of antique Tupperware, and priceless textiles from the 1950’s, including bed sheets of every size.

Our final stop today will be the cavernous work shop where you will be able to peruse the massive collection of tools, both useable and broken. An extra added attraction is the screw and bolt collection to rival any other of its kind.

Don’t forget to visit our gift shop after the tour, where for a small price you too can buy copies of even the tackiest articles and the most sordid family papers.

Also – due to the high cost of maintenance and upkeep – Today Only – there will be a Once in a Lifetime chance to bid on some of the furnishings at the Estate Sale scheduled for six pm. Please have your checkbooks ready. We accept MasterCard, Visa, and American Express, as well as cash.

The management reserves the right to refuse service to anyone, regardless of age, sex, race, or Familial connection, and retains the right to sue at will.

Thank you for your attention. Please enjoy your tour.