The Opposite of Me - Randy Wong

“You’re late.”

Opposite Me sits down in the seat across from me panting heavily. Opposite Me is wiping a stain at the front of his shirt.

“Heh. The little one spit up on me this morning. Pureed peas.”

I smile and shrug. “Yeah, I can’t wait until ninety percent of the food she eats stays in her mouth.”

Opposite Me gets a cup of coffee. “So, how did the presentation go?’

“Oh, it was fine,” I remarked. “I traded in half a night’s worth of sleep to get it done, but it was worth it.”

Opposite Me grabs a donut from the box in the coffee station. “Of course, if I hadn’t had to work on the boy’s science project, you would have been done a lot sooner.”

I chuckled. “Man, the things they make kids do these days.”

Opposite Me laughs. “I couldn’t figure out how to make a small scaled tree so I took a fresh head of broccoli and glued the florets to the board. Bang. Instant forest.”

I laugh out loud, almost choking on my coffee. “Ha! How long do you think they will last before rotting away?”

“Oh, it should hold for a little bit. I sprayed a ton of shellac over them.”

Opposite Me paused for a second. “So, how did it go this morning?”

“What? Oh … yeah. It was fine. Pretty much what I expected.”

“Oh. Did he curse you out? Did he call you can asshole?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. Someone else in the world who thinks I’m an asshole.”

Opposite Me pointed his index finger at me. “Dude, I told you. You treat people like that, and in the end, everyone will hate your guts.”

I set down my coffee mug loudly. “Look, do you think I like laying people off? It’s the economy, stupid. What am I supposed to do? When the boss says that we will have a reduction in force, and so decide on whom you can let go, what can I do? I am just another cog in the large machine.”

Opposite Me rolled his eyes. “C’mon. There’s go to be a better way to do it.”

“Yeah? If you know one, tell me! You can think I am cold? You think that I didn’t think about his two kids? That the company is paying his severance package in one lump sum? Talk about a big screw you. But you know what? I can’t think of that. If I try to be too sympathetic, then they think I am full of crap. If I try to be too stern, then I am the bad guy who laid them off. I can’t win. But, someone has to make the tough choices, and someone needs to do the dirty deed.”

Opposite Me looked at me and smiled. “Well, I could never do what you do.”

“Well, you don’t have to. That’s why I’m here.”

I poured myself another cup of coffee. “How’s the boy?”

Opposite Me finished off the jelly donut he’d been munching on. “Oh, he’s fine. You know kids that age. I allowed him to release some steam before he felt better about it. Sometimes, you just gotta give them their space.”

“You’re right. I tried yelling at him once when he wouldn’t talk to me. I guess I’m not that patient. You did a good thing.”

Opposite Me wiped the smear of jelly from the side of his mouth. “Well, that’s why I’m here. You’re needed when control and order need to be established. I’m needed when kindness and understanding is called for. That is why this works for us.”

I nodded. “You make a good point. Truth is you’re too much of a wimp to make it in today’s cutthroat corporate world.”

Opposite Me smiled. “Yeah, well, you’re so aggressive, today’s little pea spittle would have degenerated into an all out food fight.”

“Ha! Hey, if she can’t take it, then don’t spit it!”

Opposite Me does a double take and reaches into his pocket. “Oh! That reminds me. I am supposed to remind you that Katie says don’t forget to add chicken thighs to the shopping list. You do remember that you’ll need to shop after work, right?”

“Huh. Well, I remember now.”

Opposite Me got up from his seat. “Lunch is just about over. Try not to be late. We’re supposed to help the boy with his math homework tonight.”

Making a mental note, I nodded. “Got it…”

* * * * * * * * *

“… hear me? Dude! Can you hear me?!”

I rouse myself from deep thought. “Yeah, yeah – I’m here. Time to go back to work?”

My assistant John stares at me for a second, and then punches me in the shoulder. “Wake up, sleeping beauty. Geez, you were a thousand miles away. What were you thinking about?’

I put my coffee mug into the sink, and start washing it. “Um, just thinking about stuff I have to do after work.”