This Time Last Year - John Fetto

Johanna kept working, not wanting to think. The hospital was an inexhaustible warehouse of things to do, people wanting help, things to straighten, clean, sort out, and she pushed herself, faster and faster. Filing her shift was almost over, and she sat down to do her charts. But on each chart she had to write the date, October 17, 1986, and each time she did, she thought of how different it was a year ago. This time last year, Hawley would be waiting for her outside the hospital. He’d smile at her as she walked through the glass doors, kiss her and they’d do something together. He’d take her sailing or walking along the foothills or to a movie. She wouldn’t have to spend the whole evening with her mother watching television, listening to her mother complain about everything she saw on the television. This time last year she had a future with someone. There were plans, dreams, not huge, but not alone. Hawley wasn’t ambitious; he wouldn’t make millions, but when she was with him, she didn’t feel alone. And he was patient, even kind. But what good did it do him?

Another chart. She wrote quickly, entering the medication given, everything that had been done, so that the nurse who took over her shift would know what had been done. She waited till everything was filled out before she entered the date, and this time she did it wrong. October 17, 1985. She sat back and looked at it, wondering what she had done. Her mind had turned back the clock, and for a mad moment she was transported to a year ago; the shooting, the fire, the explosion at the warehouse where Hawley worked, none of it had happened. Her mind stretched further and she wondered if she wrote the name on all the charts, on all the places---if she did all that, maybe Hawley would be resurrected and she’d find standing out on the sidewalk. Then her mind snapped back. And she started to erase the date, quickly. Hoping no one had noticed what she’d done.